HAIRY-CHESTED TAKES
by Mike Fisher    Tue, Jun 3, 2008, 09:25 AM
Pacman and T.O. Kimbo and Candace. Flopping and tattooing and Romessica. All part of my hairy-chested takes. …

 

ITEM: Admit it. Terrell Owens and Jerry Jones were right. Bill Parcells and you were wrong. The T.O. thing is working out just fine. And in recognition of that, the Cowboys are reportedly giving the 34-year-old Terrell Owens a re-done four-year deal worth $34 mil, featuring $13 mil guaranteed.

Here’s hoping Owens’ two years of good behavior wasn’t just an effort to gain a payday, that he’s really turned the corner as a person. … and that he’ll play a couple more seasons on his way to a Cowboys-driven Hall-of-Fame career.

ITEM: I tried. I watched Candace Parker. She’s good. She’s pretty. But nothing I saw in Saturday’s network broadcast of her LA girls team against Washington’s girls team compelled me to watch again next week.

I’m sorry. I’m not saying anything bad about her. And I’m asking that you don’t say anything bad of me.

ITEM: I’m sure it’s just me. But Greg Ellis’ “good-natured antics’’ bother me almost as much as do Pacman Jones’ “bad-natured antics.’’ I said ALMOST. The NFL almost agrees, too, witness the semi-reinstatement that will allow him back into football from now until another review on Sept. 1. Pacman will be busy as a Cowboy, with no time to get into trouble, right? Right?

ITEM: A weird and lengthy offering from Bill Simmons here, in which he predicts that his beloved Celtics have no shot against LA in the Finals. It’s clear he’s trying to pull some sort of reverse logic on Fate, and it’s also clear he believes that Fate is a reader of ESPN.com. Otherwise, why would he write that HE and his column are responsible for “blowing’’ the Super Bowl for his beloved Patriots? I mean, they are the world-wide leader. … but they don’t actually control the outcome of league championship games. … do they?

ITEM: The good news about Jason Whitlock’s column on tattoos being “bad’’ for the NBA  is that the man has the chest hair to pen something he knows will be unpopular with the fellas. Contrarian schtick is fun!

The bad news? The column is a mess, from its execution to, most problematically, its premise.

There are many, many explanations for why Pistons-Celtics, Spurs-Lakers and now Pistons-Lakers are buzz-worthy. The notion that the main attraction from the American public is that those teams aren’t all “tatted’’ up and are therefore “safe’’ for mainstream audiences is silly. … and untrue.

From Kobe’s rape trial to Rasheed’s manic rep to Paul Pierce’s selfishness to KG’s “scariness’’ to Bruce Bowen’s dirtiness, there is no shortage of villains – and no shortage of tattoos.

What there is: Four compelling teams in the conference finals. Two traditional powers, and colorful teams, in the Finals. They come from major markets, their teams have huge followings, and they will participate in a capper to one of the most notable NBA seasons ever.

P.S.: Tattoos on athletes, on entertainers, and for that matter, on housewives, was probably once considered “risqué.’’ Today? Well, what would you consider to be the NBA’s target audience? Let’s say people age 26 to 40, maybe?

In America today, of people age 26 to 40, a full 40 percent of them have a tattoo.

ITEM: Jason Whitlock’s America should know this: Kimbo Slice – a fascinating story out of the ring (or octagon, or circle, or whatever) and inside it, a nightmarish combination of Mike Tyson, Dick Butkus and The Incredible Hulk – is now a prime-time TV star.

ITEM: Jason Whitlock’s America should also know this: The smartest little kids in the country are also on prime-time TV giggling over the word “numb-nuts.’’

ITEM: Whatever happened to Mike Vanderjagt? Nothing much.

ITEM: Dirk Nowitzki is mentioned in a German math test. Try to answer the question. It’s all screwed up. And not because it’s in German. (At least I think it's screwed up. My math is worse than my German.)

ITEM: As of Sunday night, Romessica is still together. At an airport in San Diego. Complete witrh photos, for those of you who never tire of seeing Tony pictured with his head down while wearing a ballcap.

ITEM: This new “No-Flop’’ Rule for next year. … Penalizing the fakers is OK. But shouldn’t it just be a foul? Why a fine? To me, it’s like the NBA they’re going to fine players for traveling, or for stepping out of bounds. Isn’t a whistle punishment enough?

ITEM: Is Michael Beasley a danger to himself and others, or just a zany prankster kid?

ITEM: Sounds like Nellie’s gonna stick around with the Warriors for just one more year.  … and then, of course, try to renegotiate his contract.

 

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