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FISH'S HAIRY-CHESTED TAKES Print E-mail
by Mike Fisher    Mon, Jan 28, 2008, 09:49 pm
Assorted Hairy-Chested Takes, starting with a question for my man Emmitt Smith: Emmitt, you're now a spokesman for ‘Just For Men.’ Which is fine, but. … since when does a bald man dye his hair?

 

ITEM: Herschel Walker has multiple personalities? That makes the Herschel-to-Vikings trade seem more fair.

ITEM: Devin Harris is down for two or three weeks with a bone bruise to his ankle. Jason Terry was discussed as trade bait for the Clippers’ Corey Maggette. And Jason Kidd is now on-record as saying he wants to be traded from the Nets.

I would say “Mavericks point guard’’ is a “person of interest’’ right about now.

ITEM: Has anybody informed Joe Buck yet that we don’t care if HE’S cold?

ITEM: 'Searching For Bobby Fischer'? Check the morgue.

ITEM: Mavs and Nuggets? A big deal, right? Two of the top teams in the NBA, the Mavs a 30-win team, the Nugz coming in with 26 wins. It’s on ESPN, but. … Dave Pasch and Doris Burke?

Looks like somebody didn’t think it was all that big a deal.

   Nothing against women sportscasters (well, actually, I DO have something against them, but, anyway). …if ESPN is going to send us a girl, can’t we have Dana Jacobson?

ITEM: Don’t look now, but you know who is a pretty solid at-the-break MVP candidate? Kid named Dirk. Day by day, game by game, Nowitzki is taking a lot of people off the hook. Those people? The media members who have had some doubts about having voted him the MVP last year.

ITEM: Paris Hilton and Terrell Owens. OK, this isn’t really a romantic relationship. But in the Cult of Personality time in which we live, is it not fitting that when Paris oozes into Dallas to hang out at the Ghost Bar to promote a likely straight-to-DVD movie called “The Hottie and The Nottie’’ (clever), that she and T.O. would seek out a photo op with one another?

ITEM: “Rambo’’ says it’s OK to use HGH. It apparently, though, does nothing to add muscle to box-office receipts.

ITEM: The Mavs are 31-13. They’ve won four in a row. They’ve won seven straight at home. And now the next big challenge continues: A season-long four-game road trip. They won at Memphis last night. And here comes. … at Boston on Thursday, and then next Sunday-Monday a back-to-back at Detroit and at Orlando.

We’re about to learn a lot.

ITEM: So Bridgestone Tires is prepping a big Super Bowl TV ad featuring Richard Simmons. Slick move. Because if there’s anything that says “tough,’’ “football’’ and “the latest in sales techniques,’’ it’s Richard Simmons.

ITEM: Saturday night off for the Nuggets in Dallas: Four of the fellas dined at The Porch, where they were seated not far from Troy Aikman’s party. A slight difference: Aikman’s situation was rather understated; he was there with his wife and daughters.

The four Denver players? According to our 75-Member Staff spies, they were wearing Nuggets warmup jackets.

 ITEM: Nellie and C-Webb reuniting in the Bay? I’ll say this about my Uncle Nellie: He always keeps things interesting.

ITEM: The latest on Tony Romance: He might be souring on Jessica Simpson – and especially on her Machiavellian father, who it is suspected orchestrated the whole relationship for promotional purposes.

 And he might be going back to his canoodling roots, rekindling a relationship with ex-girlfriend Crystal Kasper, his main squeeze when they both attended Eastern Illinois U. (Crystal broke up with Tony at the beginning of the 2006, before he became a big shot, proving that she may be a Crystal, but she didn’t have a Crystal Ball. (rimshot me.)

Gossipy reports say maybe he’s been dating Crystal all along, that he might propose to her on Valentine’s Day, or that he is thinking of having sex with Amy Winehouse.

OK, I made the last one up.

ITEM: Dave Campo being hired to be an NFL head coach? Bad hire.

Dave Campo being hired to be an NFL position coach. Terrific hire.

ITEM: When you dream of romantic dream girls, maybe you dream of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, right? And maybe you dream of them sitting on toilets? Toilets needing to be cleaned out by RotoRooter?

 No me neither, on those last two notions. But RotoRooter apparently wants to convince you otherwise.

ITEM: ESPN’s Chris Mortensen is suggesting that Jerry Jones’ Cowboys covet Arkansas running back Darren McFadden. That whole part of the report rings true; Mort knows Arkansas (he has a home in Little Rock and his son plays for the Razorbacks), and Mort knows his Cowboys, too.

Then there is the wrinkle that might mean Dallas trades with Miami to get Darren’s rights. That also sounds right, and again, Mort is a “Parcells Guy,’’ so we trust his sources here.

But after that, it gets a bit iffy.

It might take two No. 1’s AND Marion Barber to acquire McFadden? Baloney. In fact, if Mort is hinting at that, it starts to smell like he’s helping out Parcells by raising the price. There are cheaper ways to procure the services of a top runner without forfeiting the equivalent of THREE No. 1 picks for him.

ProFootballTalk.com is on this story, but is arguing the other way, saying that package isn’t ENOUGH. Again, baloney. PFT.com uses the Draft Value Chart to demonstrate its views, but. … a top runner can be done more cheaply. Period.

P.S.: PFT.com and other outlets continue to incorrectly credit Jimmy Johnson with the creation of the Draft Value Chart. I hate to let obscure facts get in the way of a legend, but the Cowboys exec who actually created the formula now used league-wide is Mike McCoy, an oil-and-gas partner of Jerry’s who knew little about football but lots about buying and selling and investing.

That’s the fact. The value of McFadden? That’s left to opinion.

ITEM: Roger Federer goes down in Australia. What’s next, Dallas freezing over?

ITEM: Parcells disciple Bill Belichick is forced by the NFL to conduct daily Super Bowl press conferences, and I still wonder why any of us show up. Forget ESPN; these sessions oughta play on C-SPAN.

ITEM: Dear Mavs: Please don’t take trade advice from Charles Barkley.

ITEM: Young actors Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro die of apparent OD’s in the same week. Can we now please quit expressing fake surprise when this happens?

ITEM: Freshman phenom OJ Mayo takes tickets. He’s not supposed to. Is it Mayo’s fault? Nah. USC coach Tim Floyd claims blame. And the world – a world that allows kid athletes to get away with (sometimes literally) murder keeps spinning on its axis.

ITEM: Tony Cubes is in GQ, sporting a pair of leather ones.

ITEM: Kelly Tilghman is back on the air on the Golf Channel, which sounds as exciting to me as Bill Belichick on C-SPAN. But after suggesting that the only way to beat Tiger Woods is to “lynch him,’’ she is suddenly a mainstream playa.

And she has an apology.

"Over the last two weeks, I've taken this time to reflect and truly understand the impact of what I said. While I did not intend to offend anyone, I understand why those words were hurtful. I am terribly sorry for any hurt that I've caused. I would like to express my deepest apologies."

Accepted. Now please return to Channel 3,367 obscurity.

ITEM: Will anybody actually vote for Hillary (or any other presidential candidate) because Magic Johnson tells them to?

ITEM: I’m safely protected from the devaluation of the dollar. Because I don’t have any money to start with.

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