THE STATE OF PUNDITRY: Forbes Magazine is undoubtedly real good at Forbesian stuff. Stuff like, “Who’s Rich?’’ and “Who Is Richer?’’ and “Who’s Wealthy?’’ and “Who’s The Wealthiest’’ and stuff. Forbes Magazine, however, has clearly never worn a jockstrap.

   Forbes has published its list of “The Top 10 Pundits In America,’’  and because the magazine is so prestigious, I am going to attempt to take the list seriously.

   Nos. 1 through 3 make some sense. Film critic Roger Ebert fits. Bill Maher works. And just to show that I’m leaving my personal politics out of this, the noxious Bill O’Reilly is, by any measure, a “top pundit.’’

   The list gets a little wobbly from there. No. 4 is Al Franken, so powerful a pundit that he’s now gone more than a year without an outlet for his liberal punditry. No. 5 is Geraldo Rivera, better suited to a list of “The Top Carnival Barkers In America.’’ No. 6 is Rosie O’Donnell. Hey, I watched her on “The View’’ as much as any man in this country. And “punditry’’ is not what she does. No. 7 is film critic Leonard Maltin, and with all due respect. … has Leonard Maltin been significant at any time in the last two decades? No. 8 is Greta Van Susteren. I defer here to anyone who cares. No. 9 is Lou Dobbs, the sanctimonious money man. (Hey, come to think of it, “sanctimonious’’ seems to be a common trait among Forbes faves.)

   And now to The No. 10 Most Important Pundit In America.

   Is it Jesse Jackson or Howard Stern or Dan Rather or Jon Stewart or Tim Russert or Rush Limbaugh or Keith Olbermann or David Letterman or George Will?

   Nope. To the certain shock of NBA fans everywhere, Forbes says the 10^th best pundit in America is. …

   Bill Walton?!

   Walton is a better, more popular, more important, more powerful pundit than Rush Limbaugh? Hell, Bill Walton – with his fantasy-driven pomposity dripping from excess saliva -- not even one of America’s top SPORTS pundits! (He’s no Bob Costas, he’s no Rick Reilly, he’s no Tony Kornheiser.) He might not even be one of America’s top BASKETBALL pundits! (Walton vs. Charles Barkley? C’mon.)

   You want a comment on the decline of American punditry, maybe even the decline of Western Civilization? I give you the through-the-decades Hall of Fame of American Punditry: First Benjamin Franklin, then Mark Twain, then Will Rogers, and now. …

   Bill Walton.

  HIP TO BE SQUARE: A tap-dancer. Kenny Mayne’s second-rate humor. The former host of “America’s Funniest Home Videos.’’ Wayne Newton’s mug, which could use some surgical advice from Dolly Parton’s jugs. And Mark Cuban, alternately “happy, mad and upset.’’

   This is “Dancing With The Stars.’’ This is high cheese.

   I can’t say I’ve been much of a fan of the ABC show over the years. I could not contemplate, a couple of years ago, why Jerry Rice would put his classy rep on the line to participate in a goofy game show/reality show. I began to figure it out last year, my cynicism kicking it when Emmitt Smith used not only a teddy-bear personality but also an ABC/ESPN connection to succeed on the show.

   Now? Thanks to Tony Cubes? I get it.

   Wednesday night’s “Results’’ show was, for a Mavs fan, all about Cuban and partner Kym Johnson finishing just ahead of the reaper and allowed to dance another day. (Actually, another week. Next week. The mambo). It was about Mark’s facial contortions and about Mark’s anguish over the dramatic voting results and about Mark’s recent hip surgery and about Mark’s family in the audience and about whether he’ll work some Mavs wardrobe into the program.

   As Cuban says on his BlogMaverick.com in response to the subpar voting results from the public, “What had I done wrong? Had I not worked hard enough? Did people really not care enough about me to vote for me? It’s a weird, humbling experience. … Hopefully people will rally to support us.’’

   Yes, there is all that.

   But there are also the ridiculously tight outfits on a couple of male dancers trying so hard to seem straight. There are fantastically lame attempts at humor from Tom Bergeron, he of “Home Videos’’ infamy, and from ESPN (again with the ABC/ESPN/Disney connection) anchor Kenny Mayne, whose wry humor almost works. There are attempts at so-serious interviews by Drew Lachey (how many different ways can one guy ask the question, “Were you nervous?’’).

   It’s all so deliciously cheesy.

   Cuban is playing along (or maybe just fitting right in quite naturally) by showing his scar and being unembarrassed by his lack of dance training and by saying things like, “I’m a lean, mean dancing machine.’’
   But not only does he have a ways to go to become an accomplished dancer – he might even be in over his head in the Cheese Department. Contestant Wayne Newton squeezes his pear-shaped body into a skin-tight jumpsuit. … and yet has skin that is somehow tighter than skin-tight. (Seriously, the man’s face is tied back so intensely that he can barely close his eyelids!) “Special guest’’ Dolly Parton steps out from behind the curtain – and steps straight out of 1985 – to demonstrate that she’s still got it. … or rather, she’s still got them.

   All things considered, with Wayne Newton as a King of “Dancing With The Stars’’ and Dolly Parton as the Queen of “Dancing With The Stars’’ it’d be quite an honor for Mark Cuban to be the Court Jester of “Dancing With The Stars.’’

   A SORDID SUIT: If you are a long-time sufferer of MavVirus, you know one of the ways you can suffer a relapse is to have your immune system exposed to the deadly “Tarpleyosis.’’ Immune system, brace yourself.

   Tarpley was once upon a time the foundation of the Dallas Mavericks. Well, actually, he was the foundation of cuddly owner Don Carter’s franchise THREE times. Twenty years ago, he was a budding star – and a blazing substance abuser. Carter lovingly, stupidly, continued to provide Tarpley with second chances, with fresh contracts, with faith-based affection. … only to be rewarded with more stays in treatment facilities, more brushes with the law, more sordid tales of beating his girlfriend.

   And this week the Mavs get their latest reward from Roy: He is suing the club, claiming it violated the Americans with Disabilities Act by refusing to reinstate him to the league. Forget that Tarpley, now 42, is certainly unable to play anymore. Forget too, that he was banned for life from the NBA in 1995.  His lawsuit says he has a disability, and by gosh, his disability shouldn’t prevent him from gainful employment.

   Tarpley told a Houston TV station, "I really didn't want to do this, but they left me no choice. We tried to work things out. I applied for reinstatement, and they just swept it under the rug.’’

   “Sweeping under rugs’’? Roy would know something about household chores, inasmuch as he allegedly used a clothes iron to burn a six-inch mark on the body of his girlfriend.

   Roy Tarpley, back in the Mavs-related headlines? Great. In case any of us come in contact with Roy, I’d advise all of us sufferers of MavVirus to wear haz-mat suits.

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