ITEM: We’ve had some weird things happen to us over the years in San Antonio. For instance:

* A crazy man once drove his motorcycle up onto a sidewalk and tried to hit us while doing a wheelie. The crazy man turned out to be Dennis Rodman.

* An irate man once delayed our checkout from a hotel room by insisting his bill was incorrect. The argument was over a bowl of room-service chili. The man was Moses Malone. And Moses’ argument was, “I mighta ordered it, but I don’t remember eatin’ it.’’

* Dave Campo, showing off for the HBO “Hard Knocks’’ cameras, installed a “punch-in-and-get-on-the-clock’’ machine outside the Alamodome locker room. One day, when the cameras weren’t around, only four of the 80 players bothered with the silliness of punching in.

All pretty good stories to tell the grandkids. But now comes this week’s tale:

* We’re walking into Sherlock’s, a suburban saloon, when we notice a body in the bushes. Aw, just another drunk, right? No. By the time we left the bar, the place was about to be surrounded by yellow police tape. The guy in the bushes? Dead.

ITEM: The Most Uncomfortable Moment In Sports TV happens about once a week, when ESPN’s Skip Bayless talks about attractive women. He seems very Anthony Perkins’y, no? The “First and 10’’ show should put Dana Jacobsen in the middle, Skip on the right, and then the rotting corpse of Skip’s mother, complete with wig and rocking chair, on the left.

ITEM: Given the fact that EVERY SINGLE CYCLIST now seems dirty, is it really possible that Lance Armstrong accomplished all those things clean? He’s twice as good as all of ‘em but they’re infinitely more doped up? Hmmm. …

ITEM: If the idea was for the Cowboys to spend a sixth-round pick on kicker Nick Folk because he has a stronger leg than Martin Gramatica, well, so far here in San Antonio, it’s been a bad idea.

ITEM: In answer to what I know you’re thinking regarding Michael Vick: If the Falcons freak out by cutting their dog-killin’ QB, yes. I’d sign him. Maybe I’d send him to bunk with Lindsay at some fake-rehab joint like “Promises’’ for 30 days or half-a-season. Maybe I’d make him own a poodle. Or sentence him to 3 million hours cleaning up dogcrap in the park. But I’d sign him.

ITEM: Not even Troy Aikman got this sort of reception from training-camp fans. Tony Romo is a friggin’ rock star.

ITEM: From a basketball man who watched Pops in Vegas: “He can absolutely be a rotation guy in the NBA. But his only offensive move is a weak-side rebound.’’

ITEM: The mainstream media keeps writing about it, and Greg Ellis keeps whining about it, but the Cowboys have no plans to discuss a fattened contract with him. “Greg’s under contract,’’ Stephen Jones says. “That’s the long and the short of it.’’

As we’ve written in this space often, attempts at renegotiations are always about leverage. A Greg Ellis limping around in gym shorts does not represent “leverage,’’ and it is frankly bizarre that the veteran (along with media members) does not realize that.

ITEM: New head coach Wade Phillips, after having responded to a skillion media questions, patting a skillion Cowboys butts (“Good practice, Jason Witten!’’) and signing a skillion fans’ autographs, tried to finally escape the Alamodome field by breaking into a 60-year-old-man trot. Fans screamed for more as he headed toward the tunnel, but he didn’t stop, instead waving politely. … Until some would-not-be-denied fan actually threw his souvenir football at Wade’s backside.

“OK, throw me your pen, too,’’ Phillips sighed, smiling.

ITEM: I have no doubt that deceased Wake Forest basketball coach Skip Prosser was a wonderful man. (Once we die, weren’t we all?) But I don’t really understand this ubiquitous obit line: “He wasn’t just a coach; he was a teacher.’’

I mean, no spit, Sherlock. Of course he was a teacher. … that’s what a coach IS. It’s part of the job! It’s like being eulogized at my wake as “not only a writer. … he was a typist.’’

Besides, frankly, most big-time coaches are one break away from having been ONLY teachers. Like, middle-school gym teachers.

Nevertheless, RIP, Skip.

ITEM: More Ellis: “That sounds crazy, don’t it?’’ said Ellis, after cryptically suggesting he might retire. And yeah, it don’t. Or something.

ITEM: Gene Jones, Jerry’s former Arkansas-beauty-queen wife, is on the Cowboys practice sidelines. I don’t recall seeing her hanging out at practice in recent years.

ITEM: A gentleman somehow made it onto the sideline without the usual appearance of the mainstream sportswriter. (Not fat enough, no dandruff, no complaining.) He did, however, have a camera. And asked Terence Newman if he’d pose for a photo. Newman instead grabbed the camera, hugged the guy, and pointed the camera back at the two of them.

Sweet.

ITEM: Is it just me, or when a baseball team that’s 15 games out hits a homer and then celebrates wildly, does it seem all fake?

ITEM: Camp visitor Deion Sanders -- who charitably houses a number of kids at his home – was asked by Jerry Jones’ adolescent grandson, Shy Jr., how he has room for all the youngsters.

“I got a big house,’’ Deion playfully told the kid. “I got lots of rooms. I’m rich. Don’t you know that? And don’t you know the reason I’m rich is because your granddaddy made me rich?’’

ITEM: Difference between Wade Phillips and Bill Parcells, Exhibit No.7,096: Parcells liked to pretend he couldn’t hear your question. Wade – using a terrific old-man trick – likes to talk real soft so you can barely hear HIM.

And there is the occasional zinger in there. Like when Wade said he couldn’t be fined for being chubby because “If Bill wasn’t fined for that, I’m certainly not going to be.’’

Zing.

ITEM: From Jay Novacek: “I like Wade. I liked Switzer. I liked Jimmy okay. Gene Stallings (in Arizona) was, um, interesting. Parcells? I don’t know if I could’ve played for Parcells.’’

ITEM: Jerry Jones with Words to Remember: "I can’t be anything other than optimistic. (But) there have been times when I was lower than a crippled cricket’s butt.’’

ITEM: North of the border Steve Nash is such a hero that they call him “Can Je’’? Short for “Canadian Jesus’’? And at the same time, Roy Williams is in San Antonio comparing himself to Jesus because “he was persecuted, too.’’

Excellent. The Second Coming. … and a Third Coming. All in the same weekend!

Comments (0)

Comment	smaller | bigger
Name
Write the displayed characters
Subscribe via email (Registered users only) I have read and agree to the Terms of Usage.
	Add Comment