We had a girl in our high school named "LaFonda McBroom.'' She was "accessible,'' and many of the teenage boys passed a manhood milestone by, um. ... accessing her accessibility.
Then some of the boys looked south and discovered, to their horror, that "accessible'' was simply a way to spell out "STD.''
I've been skeptical of "accessible'' ever since. Which takes me to why, when I finally interview new Texas Rangers general manager Jon Daniels, I plan to wear protection.
Yes, as Baseball's Winter Meetings roll into Dallas, it is clear that Doogie Howser G.M. is accessible. And if only because his Rangers predecessor, John Hart, came out of hiding about as often as Puxatawnee Phil, "accessibility'' is to be applauded. (Maybe not literally applauded, though. My colleague Uncle Norm, upon hearing on the air that Doogie Howser G.M. would follow up his appearance on his morning show with yet another visit later that afternoon on another Ticket radio show so he could peddle the same "we-tried-hard'' drivel, actually chanted, "Go Jon! Go Jon! Go Jon!''
All joking about the new Rangers G.M. being so young aside (hey, I heard Jon Daniels is petitioning the American League to let the Rangers play all day games because his mom won't let him stay up late! ... OK, just that one young-kid joke). ... is the bar now so low for our local baseball team that the Rangers receive gold stars on their forehead for simply TRYING to trade for a pitcher?
As my buddy Larry Legend says, "Hey, maybe this year I'll TRY to buy Rangers season tickets! I can have them if I only TRY, right?''
I'll leave the arcane minutia of the trade details to Uncle Norm and T.R. Sullivan and Gerry Fraley and Ol' Randy and people who care. (Besides, in terms of "people who care,'' once I add those three nuns to the above list, I think I just named 'em all). And I won't indict Daniels because of his age or lack of experience. ... though at 28, he's the youngest GM in baseball history and just a couple of years removed from being an intern-level Colorado Rockies go-fer making $1,200 a month and living in somebody else's basement.
Let's stay big-picture here: This pitiful franchise, no matter what it does, remains pitiful. They failed a few years ago to acquire Randy Johnson or Roger Clemens. Last year they screwed up the pursuit of Carlos Delgado. Now, on Daniels' watch, he's already failed to acquire Josh Beckett and Kyle Farnsworth and AJ Burnett.
Aming gossip that Texas is talking about flashy names Manny Ramirez and Kerry Wood, color me skeptical. In fact, I'll even offer a conspiracy theory: Farnsworth says he never even heard about the much-ballyhooed-in-these-parts Rangers' "interest'' until he was in New York taking his physical with the Yankees!
Meaning. ... maybe the Rangers are feigning interest in big names to attract some glorious headlines? Maybe the Rangers are attempting to keep their name in the headlines? Maybe the Rangers are putting on a fireworks show with no real intention of lighting any wicks?
Face it, your Texas Rangers couldn't get a big hit if George M. Cohen, John Lennon and 50 Cent combined to write it.
(Wait. I take that back. They've got the one power-ballad hit, written by Jose Canseco.)
So the new boss, Doogie Howser G.M., is available morning, noon and night to do interviews?
As soon as he and the Rangers accomplish something, I'll take advantage of his "availability'' and interview him.
And I promise you, as LaFonda McBroom is my witness, one of us will be wearing a condom.